You Don’t Have To Feel Good All The Time

People always say, “I just want to be happy” or “I just want you to be happy.”

I hear parents tell their kids, “Stop crying” when trying to soothe them, or, “Why are you crying?” in a tone that suggests they shouldn’t be crying.

I’ve heard myself or my own partner say, “I don’t want you to feel sad.”

Here’s the thing: it is unnatural and unrealistic to strive to “be happy.” Happiness is an emotion, just like boredom, resentment, annoyance, neutrality, or confidence. I think we can all agree that we wouldn’t strive to feel bored forever, right? However, I do feel bored a lot, and this is also just part of the human experience.

Instead, it feels more natural and realistic to strive to embrace all human emotions as they show up. If I have an upcoming trip to somewhere new and fun, I would want to embrace the emotions of excitement and wonder. If it's the weekend, I am outside, and I notice that it is sunny and the air feels nice on my skin, I would want to embrace the emotions of joy and calm. On the other hand, if I have a conflict with someone where my actions hurt someone else, I would want to embrace the emotions of remorse and compassion. It is so valuable to be able to accept each and every emotion as it shows up because this is the most human thing a human can do.

So, how do you change your mindset? How do you switch the goal from being happy to being human?

Pay attention to the words you say.

If you’re not feeling fine and you say, “I’m fine,” pause. Approach it with curiosity. Why are you saying that? Is this a people-pleasing tendency? Do you just not want to talk about it? Are you unable to identify how you feel, so you use this as your go-to “I am not doing well” phrase? Be honest with yourself first, and then you can be honest with the people around you.

Give yourself a little vocabulary lesson.

Google a feelings wheel or an emotions chart. Utilize ChatGPT to help you figure out how you’re feeling. Once you give yourself the vocabulary, you can better identify how you’re feeling.

Say how you feel. Role model this for others.

A friend asks, “How have you been lately?” Be honest: “You know, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately.” And guess what? You don’t have to go into it if you don’t want to. If you want them to know that you feel you can handle it, then just say that. “It’s been a lot lately, but I’m getting through it.”

Accept and welcome your emotions, even if they feel uncomfortable or painful.

Our emotions shift, come, and go all day long for various, and sometimes unknown, reasons. Let it happen. They can be fleeting, whether you want them to be or not.

The goal isn't to be happy all the time. The goal is to be human.